Lord of the Flies

We have so many fruit flies right now that walking into my kitchen is like walking into a third world country.

We’ve been on a major juicing kick lately, which means we have an abundance of fruit on hand. With the fruit come the flies. I like to develop personal relationships with the vermin in my house, but there are too many fruit flies to count, and at the risk of sounding insensitive or politically in-correct, all fruit flies look the same to me. Is this floating pest Agatha or Mitzi? Paul or Kevin? Who knows? I certainly don’t. Rather than offending them by calling them by the wrong name I’ve taken to nodding non-committaly at their stories and using direct eye-contact to let them know when I’m talking to someone specific.

I also drown them.

Don’t judge me, Internet. It’s a quick, painless way to die. (At least that’s what I tell myself. I’ve no personal experience with actually drowning.)

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m a cruel, murdering, evil overlord. Be that as it may, I’m not holding their little fly bodies down in the bath tub, struggling with them as they fight for their lives, their transparent wings flapping uselessly in the water, little legs kicking out in futile despair. That would be much too time consuming. Instead I drown them with apple cider vinegar in a glass with dish soap and water. If I’m feeling extra benevolent I’ll use a splash of red wine instead of the vinegar.

They are attracted to the scent of fermenting, rotting goodness. (No wonder they love my kitchen!) They can’t resist coming to investigate the delicious aromas pouring forth from my wine glass of doom. They land on the soap suds and are immediately shepherded into an untimely grave. On a good night I’ll find thirty of the little buggers floating along the bottom of the glass.

Ha, I guess you CAN catch more flies with vinegar than you can with honey. Take that old-timey metaphor!


I’ll leave you with my recipe because I know you want it. (If you don’t want it, you probably don’t have fruit in your kitchen. If you don’t have fruit in your kitchen you probably lack important vitamins in your daily diet and struggle with constipation. That said, let’s hope you want it.)


Kristy’s surefire way to kill fruit flies with kindness. (Or vinegar.):

Squirt a few drops of dish soap into a glass. Fill it half way with water so abundant suds come to the top of the glass. Add a splash of apple cider vinegar or wine.  Set on counter near fruit. Sit back and relax, secure in the knowledge that countless flies are about to meet their maker – and more importantly stop floating around your kitchen in an ongoing conspiracy to drive you insane.

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