theprimamomma.com

I should have bought it dinner first

I am  holding a lone Cadbury Creme Egg in the palm of my hand. Gently I undress it, being careful not to rip the colorful foil wrapper. I spin the naked egg between my fingers, examining it from all angles. Slowly, I bite the tip off the hard chocolate shell, and peek inside. My brow furrows with disappointment.

 

ME: “Ah, man. That ruins the whole experience for me.”

JESSE: “What?”

ME: “It’s all dried out inside. The fondant will be chewy.”

JESSE: *snorts* “And you say I’m negative. Why don’t you just eat the damn chocolate egg?”

ME: “It’s not about just eating the egg. I have a system. I unwrap it, I lick the seam, I bite the top off the shell, and I lap at the creamy fondant center. If the fondant has dried out, the whole process becomes exponentially less enjoyable.”

JESSE: *Staring across the table at the crazy person he married* “It’s an old piece of Easter candy. It’s December...”

ME: *Blink*

*Blink* * Blink*

JESSE: “Seriously, why are you making such a big deal out of eating a piece of candy?”

ME: “I’m not eating a piece of candy. I’m making love to it. It’s not as good when it’s all dry inside.”

…Beat…

ME: *snicker*

JESSE: *snicker*

ME: “That’s what he said.”

JESSE: “So now we’re twelve year old boys.”

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2 Comments

  1. Dan M.

    I’m sucked in…

    Several months ago, as I was scrolling mindlessly through the time wasting abyss that is Facebook, I came across a link to Primamomma via a mutual friend of ours. (Davey B.) I have to say…I am glad I clicked!

    Maybe it’s my inner “12 year old boy” crying out for the old days (when it was okay to giggle endlessly over dirty jokes and bathroom humor) or my desire to have a brief escape from my 18 month old daughter tantruming on the kitchen floor. (How dare I take away the empty Christmas wrapping paper tube that she was torturing the dog with.)

    I Love You! Okay wait, that’s a little much, plus my wife and friends read this blog too, so that won’t work 🙂 Anyway, I guess what I am trying to say is…I may have developed a small crush on the blog…Primamomma is extremely funny and well written!

    PS.- I don’t think you are alone in your Cadbury Creme Conquests….I have had similar rendezvous with Reese’s PB Cups and brown sugar & cinnamon Pop Tarts.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Dan – I am flattered by your love. (Let’s just call it what it is.) Your wife will no doubt be threatened by my pants-shitting, laissez-faire parenting, Tom Hardy objectifying ways. That’s totally understandable. Tell her not to worry, that I’m just a mere mortal that puts her hot pink, raspberry trimmed underpants with “purrrrr” on the ass on one leg at a time.

    It’s comforting to know I’m not alone in my chocophilia. (Apparently “chocophilia” is trademarked by Kerstin’s Chocolates, but Kerstin can suck it because chocophilia is a real thing, like necrophilia only you’re doing chocolate instead of dead things.) I have been known to cheat on my Cadbury Creme Eggs with Reese’s peanut butter cups. My new pool boy favorite distractions are the minis. Sometimes good things come in small packages. Amiright? THAT’S WHAT HE SAID!

    [Reply]

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