It wasn’t me!
Are you an asshole? There are many ways in which one may be viewed as an asshole. Today I will focus on one that is near and dear to my heart. I’ll start by asking you a few questions:
1. Do you have a dog? It’s ok if you do. Dog ownership in and of itself does not make you an asshole. How you answer this next question will determine how you rate on the assholometer.
2. When your dog craps on someone else’s lawn do you pick it up?
If you didn’t answer “Yes! 100 % of the time!!” to question 2, then you, my friend, are an asshole.
Don’t get too bent out of shape about it. You are far from an anomaly. I happen to live right next door to some serious assholes. I wont get in to all of their weird-ass quirks, I’ll stick to the specific topic of dog crap. My asshole neighbors have a little fluffy dog that they lead out on to my front lawn early every morning, and around 11pm every night, for the sole purpose of having it crap in my yard.
They don’t really have much in the way of a front yard of their own. Well, they DO, but it’s very small, and I can respect that sometimes stupid little fluffy dogs have an elimination area preference. My problem with this little routine of theirs is that THEY NEVER PICK UP THE DOG SHIT.
I have a little dog of my own. She is not allowed in the front yard. We like to keep our front yard a poop-free zone so the kids can run around on grass without worrying about stepping in a steaming pile of digested kibble. As you can well imagine, I am none too pleased when they find my asshole neighbor’s dog poop with their little kid feet and track it in to my car. It’s a less-than-wonderful way to start one’s day.
Before I go any further with this rant and confession, let me clarify that I am not merely assuming the poop in my front yard is from my neighbor. I have literally caught them in the act several times. I come home from improv between 10 and 11pm and startle my asshole neighbor standing in the middle of my front yard encouraging her dog to poop. Yes, this has happened more than once! (Apparently in addition to being an asshole, my neighbor is stupid, and unable to recognize a pattern. Hmm, you get busted crapping on the neighbor’s lawn EVERY SATURDAY night at the same time? Maybe plan your stealth crapping for a different time.)
I also know that the poops in my front yard aren’t from my dog for another reason. Aside from the fact that my dog is NEVER in the front yard unless she is attached to a leash and walking down the driveway, her poops are easily distinguished. My dog has what I like to call Young Family Poop. It’s not a healthy, uniform turd. No, it has exciting stuff mixed within its depths. Pooper-scooping my yard is like embarking on an unpleasant archeological dig. Tesla’s poops have things in it like Barbie shoes and remnants of underwear crotches she has eaten whole. Yesterday I found part of a Lego man peeking out. I didn’t rescue him. What would have been the point? He would have just ended up back there by next Friday. These things are cyclical.
I have asked my asshole neighbor to please keep their dog off my lawn. Twice.
The first time she apologized profusely and looked very embarrassed to have been caught. She mumbled an excuse about how her dog has never done it before… Yeah, whatever lady. Just please clean up after your dog.
The second time I caught her and asked her to please keep her dog off my lawn, she ran back in to her house and pretended not to have heard me.
Well, this morning as I was taking out the garbage cans, I narrowly avoided stepping in a fresh pile.
Game on, bitches.
I had toyed with the idea of telling them I had my yard treated with a pesticide that was harmful to pets – I may still do that – but I didn’t have the patience to bother with attempting verbal communication this morning. Instead I grabbed a plastic bag, picked up the poop, and tossed it in to their yard. I then went all around my front yard, picking up little piles of their dog’s shit and tossing it back on to their property. Now, as I mentioned earlier, their yard is small, so while I wasn’t aiming for their front porch, I will admit to feeling a little satisfaction when a few pieces happened to land front and center.
I am curious to see if this has any impact on their pooping habits. It probably wont, but at least now I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I’m not the only one having to deal with THEIR dog’s poop. I have to pick it up either way. I can pick it up and put it in the bin, or I can pick it up and put it on their porch. Today I chose the latter. Does that make me an asshole?