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Are you an asshole?

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It wasn’t me!

Are you an asshole? There are many ways in which one may be viewed as an asshole. Today I will focus on one that is near and dear to my heart. I’ll start by asking you a few questions:

1. Do you have a dog?  It’s ok if you do. Dog ownership in and of itself does not make you an asshole. How you answer this next question will determine how you rate on the assholometer.

2. When your dog craps on someone else’s lawn do you pick it up?

If you didn’t answer “Yes! 100 % of the time!!” to question 2, then you, my friend, are an asshole.

Don’t get too bent out of shape about it. You are far from an anomaly. I happen to live right next door to some serious assholes. I wont get in to all of their weird-ass quirks, I’ll stick to the specific topic of dog crap. My asshole neighbors have a little fluffy dog that they lead out on to my front lawn early every morning, and around 11pm every night, for the sole purpose of having it crap in my yard.

They don’t really have much in the way of a front yard of their own. Well, they DO, but it’s very small, and I can respect that sometimes stupid little fluffy dogs have an elimination area preference. My problem with this little routine of theirs is that THEY NEVER PICK UP THE DOG SHIT.

See? Assholes.

I have a little dog of my own. She is not allowed in the front yard. We like to keep our front yard a poop-free zone so the kids can run around on grass without worrying about stepping in a steaming pile of digested kibble. As you can well imagine, I am none too pleased when they find my asshole neighbor’s dog poop with their little kid feet and track it in to my car. It’s a less-than-wonderful way to start one’s day.

Before I go any further with this rant and confession, let me clarify that I am not merely assuming the poop in my front yard is from my neighbor. I have literally caught them in the act several times. I come home from improv between 10 and 11pm and startle my asshole neighbor standing in the middle of my front yard encouraging her dog to poop. Yes, this has happened more than once! (Apparently in addition to being an asshole, my neighbor is stupid, and unable to recognize a pattern. Hmm, you get busted crapping on the neighbor’s lawn EVERY SATURDAY night at the same time? Maybe plan your stealth crapping for a different time.)

I also know that the poops in my front yard aren’t from my dog for another reason. Aside from the fact that my dog is NEVER in the front yard unless she is attached to a leash and walking down the driveway, her poops are easily distinguished. My dog has what I like to call Young Family Poop. It’s not a healthy, uniform turd. No, it has exciting stuff mixed within its depths. Pooper-scooping my yard is like embarking on an unpleasant archeological dig. Tesla’s poops have things in it like Barbie shoes and remnants of underwear crotches she has eaten whole. Yesterday I found part of a Lego man peeking out. I didn’t rescue him. What would have been the point? He would have just ended up back there by next Friday. These things are cyclical.

I have asked my asshole neighbor to please keep their dog off my lawn. Twice.

The first time she apologized profusely and looked very embarrassed to have been caught. She mumbled an excuse about how her dog has never done it before… Yeah, whatever lady. Just please clean up after your dog.

The second time I caught her and asked her to please keep her dog off my lawn, she ran back in to her house and pretended not to have heard me.

Well, this morning as I was taking out the garbage cans, I narrowly avoided stepping in a fresh pile.

 

Game on, bitches.

 

I had toyed with the idea of telling them I had my yard treated with a pesticide that was harmful to pets – I may still do that – but I didn’t have the patience to bother with attempting verbal communication this morning. Instead I grabbed a plastic bag, picked up the poop, and tossed it in to their yard. I then went all around my front yard, picking up little piles of their dog’s shit and tossing it back on to their property. Now, as I mentioned earlier, their yard is small, so while I wasn’t aiming for their front porch, I will admit to feeling a little satisfaction when a few pieces happened to land front and center.

I am curious to see if this has any impact on their pooping habits. It probably wont, but at least now I’ll have the satisfaction of knowing I’m not the only one having to deal with THEIR dog’s poop. I have to pick it up either way. I can pick it up and put it in the bin, or I can pick it up and put it on their porch. Today I chose the latter. Does that make me an asshole?

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24 Comments

  1. Stay At Home Babe

    I think that makes you a freaking genius.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Thanks! I think so too – and I’m a genius, so that means we’re both right! Right?

    [Reply]

  2. Matt

    This makes you a hero among assholes! Yes there are certain types of assholes that run free as the skunk I ran over today. Some sleep in tents and keep me from working. Some throw paint on fur coats. Some think they should be president by can’t remember why.
    We are all, in the end assholes. Get it?
    Celebrate you skills to irk the jerk. To put poop where poop belongs. Don’t sit and take the shit as it were.
    For today you have been proven The Asshole.
    Have a good day!
    unklmatt

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    There are three reasons I like this comment: One, you called me a hero! Two, you condoned my actions, and three… Uh, hold on a minute… I just had it – it was on the tip of my tongue…

    [Reply]

  3. Mariceli Dambacher

    Hey, did you consider talking to animal control or the police about this? They can possibly be fined for allowing their dog to crap on your yard. Nothing stops people dead in their tracks like the possibility of losing money over something so irresponsible. I would not worry about maintaining neighborly relations after calling the cops on them, they may never stop if you don’t force them to stop. I get that it is hard to always be in control of a pets’ bowel movements, but it is another thing to repeatedly encourage elimination on someone’s private property. Could it not be seen as a form of vandalism? What about the parasites in the poop? If you left them there, could other neighbors report you for having an unsanitary front yard? You were nice enough to ask that it not happen again. As if you had to ask!!! Unless you look online for wackos with crap fetishes, I firmly believe most people do not want anything to do with their neighbor’s dog poop.

    p.s. Try not to hate the furry little fella, it is not his fault his parents are assholes.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    I don’t blame the little dog – he’s just doing as he’s told. 100% of my ire is directed at my asshole neighbor.

    [Reply]

  4. Claudia

    I was an asshole once. See, Kristy…ahem…a long time ago, in the seventies, no one would’ve contemplated picking up dog feces. It wasn’t done. And I don’t know when, exactly, that did change, but suffice it to say, I wasn’t paying attention. Cut to the mid 90’s, when I am, for the first time, walking a dog on a city street, and just feel content to leave my dog’s poop just in some random yard, and the mother of the family comes out and just starts freakin yelling at me! (Wait! Are you a time lord? Was that you?) But here’s the thing – immediately *after* she started yelling at me (and I swear to God, it was the first time), I then started carrying a bag and picking up the goddamned poop. I say you did the right thing with the poop flinging. I’m proud of your bad-assery. Good job by you, as Chris would say. Good job by you.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    I always knew you were an asshole! That’s ok – I must love assholes, after all, I married one. J has only just recently started bringing bags with him when he walks the dog. I had to threaten him the first few times. Now he knows it’s not worth arguing with me.

    Your story reminds me of yet another movie (I watch too much t.v.) I forget the name of this one – Hugh Jackman, Meg Ryan, time travel?? Anyway, Hugh’s giant dog poops in NYC and he has an altercation with a cop about picking it up. I like to imagine that your reaction was the same as Hugh’s.

    [Reply]

  5. paintingwithbrains

    I only see one problem with your method of revenge- the poop wasn’t in a bag that was on fire. Have you not seen Billy Madison? If you haven’t, get it, and watch the first 20 minutes. After that, it’s not really worth your time, but I’m pretty sure that could work in helping them get the message. Or you could start encouraging Brecken to poop on their lawn. Bring this whole game up a notch.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Haha – that makes me think of a Jim Carrey movie – I think it was Me Myself and Irene? Where he poops on the neighbor’s lawn?

    I’m not going to add to the poop. I’m just going to recycle the poop they should be responsible for.

    [Reply]

  6. Karlo

    Kristy I love this post because it’s close to home. We had the same problem here. First of all it’s necessary for me to point out the differences between northern English behaviour and the generally accepted international view of English behaviour:

    The latter first –
    Scene: A quiet Wednesday evening in the local pub. John – who’s had a little bit too much to drink -spills his pint over Fred’s lap.
    John: Shhorry mate.
    Fred: Think nothing of it old chap! Let us merrily pour pints all over each other – I say, what a hoot!

    Now the reality –
    John: Shorry mate.
    Fred: *SMACK* (John’s nose is now inside his face) WATCH WHAT YOU’RE DOING YOU OLD F**CKING C**NT.

    Fred then drinks the rest of Johns pint.

    I may have gone a little too far with this.. what I mean to say is – I believe the appropriate retaliatory response to be taking the turd and smearing the words “PICK YOUR DOGS SHIT UP” with it onto your neighbours windscreen. Oooh I can feel the vengeance now! If it does come to this, please photograph you’re neighbours horrified reaction to the debacle and send it to me. I’ll do this to it:
    DO NOT WANT

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Two things – I wouldn’t go so far as to write with it. Dog shit is not a medium I want to become too involved with. When somebody calls my writing “shit”, I don’t want them to be able to say “literally!” (However I’m not above putting on gloves and applying a small bit just under the door handle of their car. I had a neighbor in high school that used to walk her dog to our yard to poop because she didn’t get along with my sister. After asking nicely for it to stop, we retaliated in kind. By far the most amusing reaction I witnessed was the girl freaking out at the peanut butter I put under her car door handle. Of course, this time it wouldn’t be peanut butter.)
    Secondly, I think it’s a shame that American’s have villainized the word cunt.

    [Reply]

  7. Karlo

    Does the above comment make me an asshole or a freedom fighter?

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Both, Karl. It makes you both.

    [Reply]

  8. karl

    Two things – I think the door handle method is both elegantly subtle and less indicative of mental instability. I think it would probably result in an even better reaction shot.
    Secondly, respect for not censoring the C word. I felt it necessary so as not to offend my state residing brothers and sisters, me being a man of the people and all.. Personally I think the word has a lovely feel to it – right from the moment it bursts off your tonsils, to the inevitable and mouth watering moment it rolls off the tongue. It should be celebrated, more so when exclaimed in my native accent as the U sound is so much more fulfilling.

    I’m sure my last comment made both food lovers and perverts alike look at the word in a new way. I assure you this WAS my intention.

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    I like that you’re a man of the people. You should run for public office! Your campaign slogan could be something like, “Vote The Duke for public office – he’s not a cunt!”

    [Reply]

  9. Amy Cappelli

    You are awesome- you little poop flinger! Our dog rarely leaves our yard- but if we do take her out, you can rest assured that we leave the house armed with bags for cleaning up her crap. This is reminding me of a rare occasion when we did go out for a walk with the kids and the dog and the dog just so happened to poop. I promptly picked it up and double bagged it. Henry (then, 9 years old) must not have seen me stop to collect the dog poo because he looked back at me with the old grocery shopping bag of poop dangling from my hand and asked,” When did you stop at the store?”

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Hahaha – there’s a joke in there somewhere about needing to grab some shit at the store…

    [Reply]

  10. Dad

    Kristy,
    Frankly I’m shocked at the way you are handling this. As I recall, your neighbors are foreigners. Immigrants from another country, yet you waste no time in classifying them as assholes. Maybe they are just not familiar with our ways. Have you stopped to consider that maybe leaving dog shit on someone’s front yard is seen a an act of friendship in their homeland? Perhaps it is meant to bestow good health and happiness on the occupant of the home. I say embrace their tradition and let your dog shit on their lawn. Better yet, bring the whole family, drop trow and leave one huge scatological blessing. If that doesn’t work, by all means, continue to fling the poo as you see fit. Just stop with the xenophobic attitude.

    Love,
    Dad

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Dad, it boggles my mind that you are not employed as a diplomat.

    [Reply]

  11. Karlo

    You’re dad is awesome 🙂

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Don’t encourage him, Karl – but yeah, you and my dad would get on famously.

    [Reply]

  12. Wupppy

    Oooh, I love a good poo-fight. Glad to be back!

    [Reply]

    Kristy Reply:

    Glad to have you back! I’m in desperate need of pics of my Narnian baby! How have you been? No doubt you’ve been dealing with poop stories of your own.

    [Reply]

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