I stink. This is the second time this week that I have stunk.

I’m not talking about average B.O. – I smell like a partially decomposed body on a pile of onion peels.

The first stench incident happened last Saturday. I had spent the early afternoon in the hot sun at a child’s birthday party. Later, when Jesse decided to take the kids car shopping with us (we’re masochists) he reached over me to grab a car charger or something and said, “Oh God! What stinks? Is that YOU?”

Surely I couldn’t stink badly enough to elicit such a dramatic reaction. “No, it’s not me.” I said.

He leaned over and gave me a tentative sniff. He quickly backed away, scrunching his nose and blowing sharply out his nostrils. “Yes, it is you. My God – you stink like a New York cab driver in August.”

I sniffed myself. Whew. I did have a bit of an odor, but nothing worthy of Jesse’s hysterics.

Anyone that’s ever gone car shopping knows that it’s never a simple process. We couldn’t agree on anything – model, color, package… we did not see eye to eye. Meanwhile, my stink was only growing in strength. I could smell myself getting more rancid by the minute. At one point I apologized to the car salesman that was forced to share breathing space with me during a test drive. As you can imagine, that only made him more uncomfortable, because now not only did he have to endure my assault on his olfactory senses, but he had to assure me that he had no idea what I was talking about. Yeah. Dude, it’s a good thing you’re a car salesman and not an actor.

Today’s stink snuck up on me. (Yes, “snuck” is a word in America.) I was driving my elderly neighbor to Home Depot (Don’t ask) and I thought, “Oh man. I gotta crack a window or something. Neighbor is not-so-fresh!” After we got home, I  couldn’t get that smell out of my nose.

I was running late for my core class. I shuffled the kids back into the car. Naturally the car still smelled foul, right? I mean, that was where Neighbor had been. Funny thing was, Neighbor hadn’t ever been to my core class, and wouldn’t you know it, I could still smell him.

While working on my obliques, I had to do the ol’ hands-behind-my-head maneuver.  Just then, I had what Oprah refers to as an “ah-ha moment”. I stank. ME. I do not like this trend.

I’m a clean girl. I shower twice daily. I eat healthfully. I drink plenty of water. WTF? Why the stinky?

Why am I sharing this with the world? Well, anyone that comes within 3 feet of me already knows this information. As to the rest of you? I think a more obvious question would be why are you still reading about it?

I am off to go shower. Then I’m off to go buy a new brand of deodorant.

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