I was standing in the gaming section of Target today, trying not to have a seizure at all of the blinking lights, when I realized that though I recognized the names of the different gaming systems, I couldn’t identify which was which if my life depended on it.

When did this happen?

I was too young to fully appreciate the marvel of Atari, but my sister and I were thrilled the Christmas we got a Nintendo! Not a Play Station or Game Boy or Cube or whatever the hell it’s called today, but a Nintendo. It resembled a gray shoebox and came with Mario Bros and Duck Hunt.

It was very simple. The controllers had 4 arrows and 4 buttons. It was easy to trouble shoot any technical difficulties too – if the game wasn’t working, all you had to do was take the cartridge out, blow on it, and shove it back in. Voi La! It worked damn near every time. (How was it that EVERY kid knew to do that?)

I’m the first to admit I lacked any true skill at playing Nintendo. I would get very tense while being chased by bad guys, and I always moved my hands when my character was jumping, as if to help him make the leap. Obviously I was ahead of my time – I bet I would kick ass at Wii.

Anyway, I’ve decided to start using a walker. I’ll soop it up with snazzy tennis balls on the front legs, and maybe festoon it with ribbons or a bicycle bell. That way everyone will recognize me for the crotchety old geezer that I have become.

Sorry, little brother, but finding the right game for whichever mystery gaming system you currently love, has proved too difficult a challenge for your elderly sister. You’re getting a gift card so you can choose your own.

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