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The world according to my husband

Posted by on November 3, 2009

There are roughly 6.795 billion people on this planet, and 3.397 billion of them want to have sex with my wife.

The fact that she doesn’t understand this just speaks to the differences in male vs. female brains. At any given time, men are thinking about one of four things.

Sex. Food. Money. Sports.

The order of those thoughts on a man’s list of priorities depends on his current situation. If he’s hungry, food is probably the top thought. If his team is playing in the world series, sports on the mind is a safe bet. However all of those things can be canceled out by a beautiful woman. Hell, all of those things can be canceled out by an average woman, providing she’s got a nice rack.

If there is a beautiful woman within easy viewing distance of a man, the top thought is set to sex by default.

My wife thinks the UPS guy delivers packages to our house because it’s his job. She fails to understand that when he’s saying, “Please sign here”, what he really means is, “I want to have sex with you.”

Our friendly neighbor that asks her if the kids want to pet his puppy? He just never finishes his sentence – “Do your kids want to pet the puppy while I have sex with you?

Her old college buddy? Not only does he want to have sex with my wife, he surely has a shrine dedicated to her somewhere in his apartment. You don’t keep in touch with old college friends of the opposite sex unless you want to have sex with them.

My wife’s most recent display of naivete is a relationship she has struck up with a web developer guy over the internet. After hearing his name come up for the third time in three days I asked her, “Why the hell are you talking to this guy every day? Is your website that fucked up?”

We’re friends she says. HA! Friends. Right.

We talk about interesting things like politics and science

Politics and science? I’m sure this guy really cares what a SAHM in Maryland thinks about our global economy.

Why are you so threatened by an internet friend that lives in the UK?

The United Kingdom? Great – so he probably has an accent. What a fun novelty. My wife is talking politics and science with Hugh fucking Grant.

Why don’t I just hire a gardener? Some totally ripped ball of tanned testosterone to come over and prune our hedges?

I swear to God my wife’s ignorance will put me in an early grave. Now that I have a daughter, I have a whole new generation of penises to worry about.

There are approximately 216,000 babies born every day. 108,000 of them will want to have sex with my daughter…

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