Have you heard about the breastfeeding doll? Bebe Gloton, or Baby Glutton, was created by the Spanish toy maker Berjuan. It comes with a halter top with sensors that activate a sucking noise when the doll’s mouth is placed near them. While I could do without the sucking noise – I mean, I don’t like to hear my kids slurping soup, why listen to a doll do it? – I wouldn’t mind if the doll grunted or cooed the way most babies do while breastfeeding. Here is a video of the doll in action:

The New York Daily News recently did an article about this doll. They polled their readers, asking if parents would let their children play with the doll. I was surprised that a whopping 78% said no.

New York Daily News Poll:

78% of readers polled think a breastfeeding doll is not age appropriate? I’m guessing a lot of these people were also horrified by the notorious Super Bowl nip slip back in 2004.

It is a sad state this country is in, when we have so far detached ourselves from the natural functions of our bodies. As a country, we have overly sexualized the breast to the point that topless beaches are scandalous, and breastfeeding – the most fundamental way in which to nourish a child – is viewed as being inappropriate for children. What?

I have long made public my opinions on breastfeeding. I think it’s ridiculous that overwhelmed new mothers are made to feel shame about breastfeeding because some people are uncomfortable with it. If Bebe Gloton can help the next generation of mothers feel more confident in their decision to breastfeed, then I wish the Berjuan company great success.

Will I be buying this doll for my daughter? I don’t need to. ALL of Karis’s dolls already breastfeed.

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JESSE: “I’m coming home right now with Spear to play tennis.”

ME: “Oh. We’re not eating out tonight?”

JESSE: “Well, I didn’t get my run in today and need to sweat”

ME: “Well, I really need a break. It’s been a very long day. I’m in a bad mood and I’m taking it out on the kids.”

JESSE: “Perfect. You can bring them to the park while Spear and I play tennis!”

ME: “Yeah. That’s exactly what I had in mind when I said I needed a break.”

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My son consumes approximately 90% of his diet off the floor.

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I decided to take the kids to the train and carousel today, and maybe snap a few pictures of them at the park.

Last night, while stirring pasta, I splashed boiling water on my abdomen, resulting in second degree burns. It feels much better today, but due to the location of the blisters, I am forced to wear a pair of old draw-string maternity pants. (This random information comes in to play later.)

As we ambled down the ramp to the mini train station I noticed a woman in front of me pushing a baby in a jogging stroller. What caught my attention about this woman was her shorts. They were khaki shorts that ended just above mid-thigh. I have an identical pair of shorts. Jesse calls them my “Grandma shorts” because of their high waist and unflattering cut.

Hmmph. I thought, If Jesse were here, I would point out that there is a young mother wearing my so-called grandma shorts!

Just then we arrived at the train platform and I heard someone call out from behind me.

“Mom! Andrea says she’s never been here before!”

I turned to see a woman about my age approaching the woman wearing my shorts. Her mother. Point, Jesse.

*                                          *                                          *                                             *

I was holding Brecken as we waited to board the train. Karis was doing that whiny, lean against mommy, thing. Suddenly, she turned and pulled on the drawstring to my pants.

Have you ever tried to pull up a pair of loose pants while holding a squirming toddler in one arm and a purse in the other? In public? While your ass hangs out for all the world to see? I have.

*                                          *                                            *                                              *

After providing the other train riders with their afternoon entertainment, we rode the carousel. Then Karis wanted to play at a little park. Brecken followed her up onto a platform. I was on this platform, right behind him, when a nanny and another toddler came over. The nanny effectively blocked my easy way down from the platform, and I had to contort my body to get off the platform in time to catch Brecken at the end of the slide. He likes to launch himself down slides head first – his fearlessness in doing so speaks to my previous track record of catching him.

When I turned quickly to catch Brecken I did something very wrong to the inner workings of my right foot. I thought for sure I had broken something. I fully expected to look down and see no less than two metatarsals protruding from the top of my foot.

I paused a moment, then took a deep breath and gingerly put a little weight on the foot. Being a three year old, Karis can smell weakness in any form. She took this opportunity to tear off down the path toward another park. Thankfully, I have mastered the so-help-me-God-you-better-listen-to-me voice. I called her back to me and together we staggered back to the car.

Have you ever driven home using only your left foot? Making jerky stops and awkward turns? I have.

Now here I sit, right foot iced and elevated, barking orders at the kids to behave! and stop fighting! like a gimpy Ms. Hannigan smelling of Tiger Balm rather than bourbon.

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Here are some of my favorites from the various photo shoots we did in Maine:

These are the 1940′s suit pics

This wasn’t an official “shoot” but I love this pic of Karis playing in the waves.

This is the only usable pic from the disastrous nude beach shoot.

This porch always had great light whenever we walked by WITHOUT our camera.

The day we remembered it, the lighting was shoddy.

Because a trip to Maine is never complete without our annual family photo.

(Yes, we did the matchy matchy thing, though we vowed it would never come to that.)

…and finally, my favorite of the family photo series.

Mom and dad facing camera? Check

Toddler making faces? Check

Baby crying? Check

That’s a wrap!

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UPDATE: I have removed the 80′s rock icon’s identity until their deal either goes through, or doesn’t. While this makes this post a little less fun, it also adds to the mystery! Care to guess who it is? (No cheating if you read the post before the name was removed!)

This morning as Jesse was offensively driving to the office, he used a millisecond of traffic to justify looking at his crackberry blackberry. Yes, he is that jerk in the lane beside you, staring AT HIS BB SCREEN instead of THE ROAD. This little penchant he has for “multi-tasking” while behind the wheel of a large moving vehicle causes much strife in our union.

I grabbed his blackberry in disgust. This is a common occurrence in our car.

Glancing down at the evil little screen, I noticed the email address he was responding to.

“Hey, that’s funny. This guy’s email almost spells out {NAME OF 80′S ROCK ICON}. Ha ha.”

Jesse glanced sideways at me while maneuvering around a bus and cutting off a SUV. “That’s because it is {80′S ROCK ICON}.”

“Really? Cool.”

I then pretended to email {80′S ROCK ICON} – Dear XXX, Love you man. Still {CLEAVER LYRICS REFERENCE}

Jesse laughed at my nerdiness.

I guess this is why I’m not cool enough to be a marketing bigwig.

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Brecken loves nothing so much as a good binkie, a few Tonka cars, and a ball to bat around. He is a man of simple pleasures.

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We took a family stroll to the park this afternoon. It wasn’t our usual park. It was a park we visit maybe three times a year. It had lost much of its luster. The tire swing was missing, a few of the  built in toys had been removed, and sheets of wood had been put in their place. All of the wood was bleached and in dire need of sealing. It was not the cheerful park of last year.

One thing this park still had going for it was the monkey bars. Karis hadn’t shown any interest in them last year, but today she was willing to humor us while we tried to show her how fun they could be.

First Jesse jumped on. He used a one-bar-at-a-time technique, and wobbled himself across the monkey bars with as much grace as he could muster.

I was up next. I’m more of an every-other-bar kind of girl, and really tried to help myself along by putting a little swing into it.

GOOD GOD but that hurt my hands! I don’t remember it being so damn painful. I said as much to Jesse.

“Naw, it’s always hurt like a son-of-a-bitch. That’s why I hated the monkey bars as a kid.”

Yeah, so far we were doing a great job of convincing Karis to try the monkey bars…

Next up were those single bars that can usually be found in the monkey bar area. I don’t know what their technical name is. They are literally a set of single bars between three posts. That’s it. One is usually higher than the other.

Anyway, Jesse asks me if I can do “the flip thing”.

“Of course I can do the flip thing.” I said confidently, as I hoisted myself up onto the bar. And I did. I spun myself rapidly around the single bar and dropped my heavy feet to the ground. Jesse cheered me on, but then started laughing at my face. I guess my confusion was showing. You see, I couldn’t remember taking any shots of Tequila, yet the world was spinning around me like a carnival ride gone bad.

“Geeze. That made me dizzy.”

Jesse scoffed and did a flip thing of his own.

“Oh man, that does make you dizzy.”

It triggered a memory of the last time I swung high on the swing set at our usual park. I had immediately become sea-sick. WTH? Aparently aging causes you to lose all sence of balance. It wont be long now, before I’m wearing a house dress and curlers all day, and cheering on enthusiastic contestants on The Price Is Right. I am expecting my subscription to AARP in the mail any day now.

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Dear Elder Woman,

I think it is wonderful that a woman of your advanced age is staying active, and partaking of the pool and exercise programs here at our local YMCA. I would however rethink the whole shaving your pubic region in the shared showers part of your day.

You see, these showers are really just here to help rinse off any grossness and b.o. before you go cannonballing into the pool. They are to rinse off the chlorine smell when you come out of the pool. They also serve to let you rinse off after working up a sweat lifting weights or doing cardio.

I see nothing wrong with lathering your hair with a floral scented shampoo, and maybe slathering your loofah with some exfoliating body wash.  I draw the line, however, at standing naked in a community shower, one leg up on the handicap access bench, shaving ones thick thatch of pubic hair, and letting the gobs of curly grey hairs float their way down the shower gutter to spin artfully around the drain.

I’ll go so far as to say you shouldn’t be shaving any part of your body in a community shower. Just go ahead and leave your razor at home, sweet cheeks.

Sincerely,

The person showering not TWO feet away from you.

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