Hot damn, but I make a delicious cookie.

I made these little suckers out of left over dough from the guitar monstrosity. They remind me of Chessmen® cookies – ONLY BETTER.

eat me.

For those of you wondering what the hell I’m talking about  when I say “guitar monstrosity”, have a go at this:

My first attempt at recreating Kiki’s guitar

That is one big-ass cookie. Here’s a pic for size reference.

Karis is a little taller than the average 4 year old, but I think it’s fair to say this cookie was roughly the size of a toddler.

Was I happy with it? No.

I sent it to work with Jesse to be eaten by the new interns.

I will now begin thinking about creating Kiki’s guitar in cake form. Maybe I’ll bake it a little amp too. An amp that goes up to ELEVEN!

Tweet This Post

This recipe goes out to all you vegan bastards out there. For those of you meat lovin’ non-vegans, shut the hell up and try something new for a change.

What you’ll need:

1/2 a red bell pepper

1/2 a yellow bell pepper

1/2 a green bell pepper (Optional. Some people think green bell peppers suck. If you are one of those people, don’t use them.)

1/4 a head of cabbage. Yes, cabbage smells like carnival people. Work through this.

2 avocado. Is the plural of avocado “avocados” or is it like deer? Who gives a shit. Make sure you have 2 of ‘em.

3 scallions

Rice paper

Soba noodles

3 or 4 grated carrots

This is what a package of rice paper looks like.

Cut the peppers, cabbage, avocado, and scallions into very thin strips. If you are a master, knife wielding psychopath, this should be an easy task for you. If you are like me, and have crappy, dull knives, and the coordination of a recent stroke victim, this may prove a bit of a challenge. Just do your best, and get them as thin as you can. Playa.

If you have as much as I have in this picture, you made too damn much.

About half this amount should be fine.

Boil, drain, and rinse the Soba noodles as instructed on the packaging.

Dip a sheet of rice paper in very warm water for a few seconds, until it loses just a bit of its stiffness.

Pile noodles, a slice of each color pepper, a pinch of carrots, a pinch of cabbage, a sprinkling of scallions, and a sliver of avocado onto the soggy rice paper. Roll it up like a burrito, tucking the sides in so the shit doesn’t fall out and get everywhere. If you have not yet mastered the art of rolling a burrito, smack your mother, because she damn well should have taught you that valuable skill by now.

If you live with young kids that are still in the I’m-a-picky-little-shit phase of childhood, I find wrapping up a portion of Soba noodles with two pepper slivers and a piece of cabbage works well, as long as you provide them with teriyaki sauce for dipping.

Now for the dipping sauce:

1 lemon

1 lime

2 cloves of garlic

a splash of rice wine

4 splashes of soy sauce

Squeeze the shit out of the lemon and lime. I use a lemon squeeze for this task. Don’t worry, the citrus wont feel a thing, as citrus fruit are lacking in any form of central nervous system. If you’re still bothered by the seeming violence of all that squeezing, do a few extra minutes of yoga or something. Isn’t that how you vegans unwind?

Mince the garlic and toss it into the citrus juices.

Add your splashes of wine and soy sauce.

1 package of Soba noodles will make around 20 to 22 rolls. Depending on why you’re eating, it should take between 4 and 8 rolls to fill you up. (Emotional eaters trying to fill a void because their daddy never told them he loved them, could easily down 8 of these suckers before moving on to dessert. An average, bitter, house wife, who is tired of cooking, will be full after 4 rolls.)

Ok, Assholes, there you have it – a vegan meal that doesn’t suck. This recipe is perfect for young hipsters that live in an outer burrow of Manhattan that wishes it was Manhattan, throwing a dinner party in their postage stamp sized flat. Hang up a few paper lanterns from Ikea, use some dishes with an Asian flare, and you’ve got yourself an honest-to-goodness-go-to-hell theme party!

Tweet This Post

I found a perfect use for all those bananas I freeze dried.

I pop ‘em into Brecken’s oatmeal. They melt like wafers, effectively cooling the oatmeal to an edible temperature, and flavoring it to boot.

Enjoy this time-lapse technology:

(actual banana melt time: 40 seconds)

Tweet This Post

When I lived in New York I fell madly in love with a brand of freeze dried red onions. I know, it sounds gross, but oh how I loved those freeze dried onions!

I have looked for them everywhere since, all to no avail. Online searches only turn up the apple version of the snack, and only for wholesalers.

Last week I was inspired to make them myself. How hard could it be? I researched freeze drying online and found page after page of easy instructions on how to freeze dry fruits and veggies at home. I was a little skeptical, but if it worked, I would be the happiest freeze dried onion eater on the planet.

To freeze dry fruits and veggies at home you’ll need the following:

• A cooler
• dry ice
• thinly sliced fruit and veggies
• freezer bags
• a small cookie sheet or bread pan (optional)

First slice your fruits and veggies and put them in a freezer bag. Try to leave as little air in the bag as possible.

Then layer the bags in the cooler – dry ice/ fruit bag/ dry ice / fruit bag/ dry ice. Be sure to top every thing off with dry ice. CAUTION: Never touch dry ice with your bare hands! It’s something like -70ºF which can do serious damage to tissue. This should go without saying, but also NEVER swallow dry ice.

Leave the cooler closed for 30 minutes. Then check the fruit/veggies every 5 minutes thereafter until they are completely frozen solid. Store them in your freezer.

Another way to freeze dry stuff is to put a layer of dry ice in the bottom of a cooler and place thinly sliced fruits or veggies on top of the ice in a tray or bread pan. This way actually seemed to work a little better. Simply transfer the fruits and veggies to a freezer bag when they’re frozen solid. Supposedly they will keep in your freezer indefinitely.

Sadly, my onions did not end up turning out like the onions I have been pining for. When unfrozen they were basically just rubbery, raw onions. Not sexy.

If anyone knows how to make them crispy let me know!

The bananas, on the other hand, have been a great hit.

We didn’t let all that dry ice go to waste. We made a witch potion!!

Dry ice from Theprimamomma on Vimeo.

CAUTION: Again, never touch dry ice with your bare hands, and carefully monitor children near dry ice – be sure they don’t touch it or swallow it.

Tune in next week, when I’ll let my kids play with fire and venomous snakes!

Tweet This Post

Alright assholes, get ready for a chicken bursting with so much salty, lemony goodness, your taste buds will fall off and die. This is a Jamie Oliver recipe that I have bastardized for those of us that don’t keep fresh herbs on hand at all times, and frankly don’t give a damn. Here’s the shit you’ll need:

• 41/2 pound free range chicken. (If you prefer to buy regular chickens that were tortured in a shoebox sized cage their entire 6 months of life, then you are a sick fuck. Pure evil, dude. Support the people that let chickens be fucking chickens.)
• sea salt and ground black pepper
• 41/2 pounds of potatoes. I used red potatoes. If you insist on using a thick skinned potato, then peel that shit first, ok?
• 1 large lemon
• 1 whole bulb of garlic, broken into cloves.
• a handful of fresh thyme Thyme… from a motherfucking JAR. Get over it, food snobs!
• olive oil
• a handful of fresh rosemary sprigs, leaves picked What. Ever. (I skipped this one all together)

If you can remember to do this first part in the morning, they claim it makes a difference. What evez – I never notice the difference. Rub the chicken all over with sea salt and pepper. Oh, and for you culinary retards out there, don’t forget to take the fucking giblets out of the damn bird first.

Cover the dead, salted chicken and shove it in the fridge.

Now skip ahead to 2 hours before you’re gonna want to eat this shit.

Preheat your stupid oven to 375º. Bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Cut the potatoes into golf ball sized pieces and dump em into the water with a whole lemon and the garlic cloves. Cook that shit for twelve minutes. Not eleven. Not thirteen. Twelve.

Drain it. Pull out the lemon, and stab it a few times, like it owes you money.

Pull the bird out of the fridge, wipe any juicy nastiness off its ass, and smear olive oil all over it.

Next cram the lemon and garlic up into its cavity – real personal, like. Sprinkle your thyme, from a jar, into the cavity as well.

At this point, those of you that are into bondage may want to tie this bitches legs together to keep the lemon from falling out. Go on ahead. We wont judge.

Put the bird on a roasting pan and throw it in the fucking oven for 45 minutes.

After 45 minutes, take it out, put the chicken on a plate, and roll the potatoes in the greasy mess left behind in the roasting pan.

Make a little room in the middle of the pan, and toss that bird back up in there.

45 more minutes of cooking that shit up, and BAM! There you have it. Dinner is your bitch.

(Obviously you should add something green to the mix. I forgot to put the rice on while making this – hey, shit happens – but I did make brussel sprouts. Yeah, I burned them. So what? This chicken dish was so fucking awesome that nobody even gave a shit that their brussel sprouts were covered in char.)

Tweet This Post

This shit fucking rules! I got it from a  Mormon bitch , and you know my Mormon bitches know what’s up when it comes to desserts, motherfuckers.

Grab this shit and get your cook on:

• 1 package of yellow cake mix (reserve 1 cup for topping)

• 1/2 cup butter, melted

• 1 egg

Straight up mix that shit together and press it into a greased 11 x 13 pan.

For the filling:

• 2 cups of canned pumpkin
• 2 eggs
• 2/3 cup of canned milk
• 1/2 cup brown sugar
• 1/2 teaspoon of ginger
• 1 1/2 teaspoon of cinnamon

mix that shit together with a mixer. If you do it by hand, do it like you mean it – really punish that son-of-a-bitch, and pour it over the cake mix in the pan, asshole.

For the topping:

• 1 cup reserved cake mix
• 1/4 cup of sugar
• 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
• 1/4 cup butter

Cut that butter into the topping ingredients until crumbly. You might need to use a fork and really get all up in there! Fuck that shit up.

Spread those crumbles all over the top of that cake, then bake that shit for 50 to 60 fucking minutes at 350 motherfucking degrees.

Serve it warm or serve it cold, but don’t even THINK about serving this bitch up without whip cream!

Now I just know all you assholes are gonna LOVE this. I usually make this dish for Thanksgiving and Christmas, but make it whenever the fuck you want, and if anybody has anything to say about it, tell them to go fuck themselves. Enjoy.

Tweet This Post