This past week I have been channeling my inner Crafter. That’s right, I said Crafter. We all know of at least one Crafter. A Crafter is usually peri or post menopausal, and has an affinity for wearing sweaters that have been liberally festooned with puff paint and large plastic jewels. True Crafters manage to incorporate at least one image of a cat on their sweater.

At any given time, you can find a large selection of Crafters milling about the cutting table at your local fabric store. They can also be found ogling shaped buttons in the notions section.

A Crafter’s dwelling can be easily spotted from the street. Most Crafters’ yards sport a miniature flag pole from which hangs a bright banner depicting a seasonal scene. At the very least, a Crafter’s door will feature some form of wreath – usually made from dusty silk flowers – extra points if they’ve managed to secure a beady eyed plastic bird in there somewhere.

I have warred with my inner Crafter for many years. I silently reprimand her whenever I pass a craft store and her pulse begins to race with excitement. Every so often, when she can be silenced no longer, I will let her loose. Through the years, she has managed to teach herself many different things. She is a renaissance Crafter. A jack of all crafting trades.

I have to keep a tight reign on her though, lest she overpower my semi-sophisticated self. Dear God, if you ever see me wearing anything with a cat on it, know that she has overtaken me, and please, put me out of my misery! Anything that has been Bedazzled is also a red flag.

Anyway, like I said, this past week I have let her go nuts!

Last Friday was a girlfriend’s husband’s birthday. His wife was planning on hiring him a few strippers, but she had to cancel the strippers at the last minute because she had forgotten their kitchen was being renovated that day. Needless to say, he was disheartened. I was scheduled to attend a little soiree at their house on Saturday. I decided to make the birthday boy an edible stripper. I had a few extra boxes of cake mix left over from the holidays, so I let my inner Crafter out of her cage, and she went to town.

Cocoa the stripper (yes, she was chocolate!)

On Tuesday I finally motivated myself to finish the last two squares on a mural I’ve been working on since last fall. I have had this thing 90% finished for several months. It hung in the basement play area, mocking me softly with its two blank squares every time I passed by. Well, now it’s finished!

It is a 2′ by 3′ mural depicting various members of my family, both living and passed. No, they are *not* supposed to be caricatures. My painting strengths just happen to lean more towards the cartoonish side of life.

Gloria & Papa

Mom & Dad

Aunt Bea & Uncle Lloyd

Lastly, Karis asked me to make her a mermaid costume. Never one to turn down a reason to visit the fabric store, I gladly accepted the challenge.

I stumbled through a fabric remnants bin until I found the perfect shade of Lycra. I paired it with some sequined material for just the right amount of iridescent splash. (Pun intended)  I spent about 90 minutes piecing this little number together today. Here you have it:

For those of you that are unaware, Karis informed me while modeling for these pictures that *this* is how a mermaid poses.

This week saw a trifecta of crafting goodness! Next you hear of me I will be collecting creepy life-like baby dolls and referring to them as “my little lovelies”. I may or may not also begin to smell distinctly of dried urine and stale cigarette smoke.

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This is a sweet little keepsake ornament that can be made with paper or dough. For a dough based ornament follow the recipe here. (Use a large circular cookie cutter big enough for a small child’s hand print.)

For a paper based ornament you can use decorative scrap booking paper or poster board. Cut out a shape of your choice. Make sure it’s large enough to fit a child’s hand print.

Decorate the base. (paint, paper, glitter – whatever)

Have a child – preferably one you LIKE – put a hand print on one side of the ornament. I like to use non-toxic paint for this, because I only like to poison my children while making Independence Day crafts.

Then glue a picture of that same kid to the other side of the ornament. (Actually, you can use a different kid’s picture – what do I care?)

To finish things off I like to Mod-Podge® the hell out of it to seal everything in. If you’re doing the paper based ornament you also have the option of laminating it for posterity.

Use a hole punch to make a hole in the top. String a ribbon through the hole. I like to throw a decorative bead on there, because I ordered a million of these damn dove beads from a catalog, and now have nothing better to do with them than string them on hand made ornaments. Hey, don’t judge. We all have our vices.

There you have it! An adorable little ornament for the grandparents to gush over, and sure to inspire post-menopausal crying jags years from now when little Junior is off to college and you’re an empty nester. You’re welcome.

Here is a salt-dough ornament example.

They tend to be a bit lumpy and difficult to seal.

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One of my favorite Christmas season memories from my early childhood is making salt-dough ornaments with my sisters and cousins. This can be a two part project. Part one is making the ornaments. Part two is painting them.

PART ONE:

The recipe is very simple:

• 4 cups flour
• 1 cup salt
• 1.5 cups hot water
• 2 tsp vegetable oil

Mix the flour and salt together. Add water and vegetable oil. Mix thoroughly. Work dough into a ball. Knead dough until it is smooth and pliable. If it’s sticky, add more flour. If it’s crumbly, add more water – drops at a time.

Roll dough out to 1/8″ thick. Cut dough into shapes with cookie cutters.

Use a straw to punch a small hole near the top. This is where you’ll thread the string to hang the ornament.

Bake at 350º for 25 minutes.

PART TWO:

When the ornaments have completely cooled, it’s time to paint them. You can go as simple or as elaborate as you want.

Simple poster paint works great on these. You can also experiment with puff paints and glitter – go nuts.

When the paint has dried, seal the ornament with craft sealer or Mod-Podge®.

Thread a string through the hole and tie it into a loop.

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We made  hand print turkeys today. You too can make adorable hand print turkeys to clutter the refrigerator with! Here’s what you’ll need:

*Construction paper.

*Scissors.

*A pen or marker.

*Glue.

*Googlie eyes.

* A child’s hand – preferably attached to a child you happen to be fond of.

Trace the child’s hand on the construction paper.

Stack two different colored papers behind the hand tracing. Cut out the hand.

From a piece of brown construction paper, cut a shape that looks like a lopsided peanut. This will be the turkey’s head and body.

Glue the hands together slightly off set like a fan. Glue the turkey body on top of the hands. Add googlie eyes and a beak.

Ta-Da! Instant cuteness.

For a bit of variety you can make a family hand print turkey. Just trace every family member’s hand and glue them together biggest to smallest.

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A very good likeness

Today’s art project was a smashing success. We did the ol’ trace-your-body-on-paper-and-color-it-in.

Karis was first, showing Brecken just how it’s done. When it was time to trace Brecks, he lay very still on the paper with a solemn expression on his face.

When they were finished coloring their masterpieces, I taped their papers to the wall and attempted to get a picture of them standing beside their self-portraits. I didn’t think I would be able to get Brecken to stand still. I was wrong!

standing like he means it

Brecken took the whole standing still thing very seriously.

Every time he walked by his picture, he would back up against the wall and try to align himself with it.

A very proud artist

Karis was thrilled with her self-portrait. She really enjoys tracing body parts. For those Dexter fans out there, here is her homage to The Ice Truck Killer:

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